Succumb!

"Beefeater!

Drink it, use it!

Arghhhh, I love Beefeater Gin and so should you!

Chicks find me so adorable when I drink Beefeater!

Men want to be like me when I drink Beefeater!

Arghhh! Beefeater!

Succumb to my power and the power of my gin!

Succumb!"

Kurt

And now for another thrilling installment of “Gretchen Feels Really Strongly About Something She Knows Nothing About”

Today’s episode…that guy from The Black Eyed Peas.

One recent evening I was too lazy to grab the remote in order to fast forward through all those cumbersome commercials, so I sat through…I don’t know… perhaps it was a DirecTV or a unisex deodorant or maybe an alternative soft drink commercial featuring the members of The Black Eyed Peas. Well two of them. So there’s will.i.am (who I know because I have a crush on his song “It’s A New Day” and he was a great panel member on Real Time with Bill Maher) and there’s the chick with the smokin’ hot body and unfortunate face…you know…whatshername. But what about the tall Asian and/or Latino guy? What’s up with him? He get’s barely half a second of screen time in the commercial. And I’m sure it’s always been that way. I bet he calls his mom to tell her his band is going to be playing on the MTV Music Awards. Well Mom gets all excited. She calls all her friends to brag. The night of the big show, she makes sure Grandma has a good view of the television set and that the twins got their homework done early, and they all sit down to watch it together. But the camera never pans to him. Not even once. He runs behind whatshername a few times, but really, he’s just a blur. His mom tells him that the band’s performance was very good (whatshername could have dressed a little less provocatively), and that they especially enjoyed his…energy. But he knows. He knows he’ll never be a stand out. He doesn’t have the same political clout as will.i.am or sex appeal as the dude with the boobs. But what other choice does he have? He was an art history major, this is as good as it’s going to get for him. So he just keeps running back and forth in the background. That makes me profoundly sad. Sadder than sad.

This concludes this installment of “Gretchen Feels Really Strongly About Something She Knows Nothing About.”

Postscript:
In searching for an image for this installment of “Gretchen Feels Really Strongly About Something She Knows Nothing About,” I found out that there is a fourth member of The Black Eyed Peas. I was confused and embarrassed, but mostly confused. I seriously considered abandoning the post, but then realized that it only reinforced the fact that I know absolutely nothing about The Black Eyed Peas. Now I don’t know if I feel sorrier for, this forgotten member or the art history major. Let’s just say both. Let’s just say both.



You bet your sweet ass I was an art history major,
gretch

I Want Candy

I just ate three months worth of Halloween candy.

I'm going to be up for a while as I don't eat a lot of chocolate. It's not a "staple of my diet" as a friend of mine says, but I'll be up for a while.

Growing up I remember having an Atom Ant costume, a batman costume, and I also remember being "a bum" quite a bit.

One year, at the Halloween Parade in my town an older kid went as the Frito Bandito. He had small Frito Corn Chips attached to his belt, and he won some sort of prize..

Bastard.

I tried that costume the next year and failed to win a prize.

Bastards.

I've been invited to a Halloween party that is going to be filled with special effects people from the film industry. These people go all out and the costumes are nothing less than FABULOUS!

I'd like to see that kid from my town at that party in his Frito Bandito costume now.

Bastard.

Kurt

The Perfect Trip

I am traveling soon. Friday I got to Chicago and then Monday from Chicago to the New York/New Jersey/Fairfield County, Connecticut tri-state area. There's a wedding in Chicago that I'm thrilled to attend, and lots of visits set up there and in NY with old friends and family fun. I'm looking forward to seeing everyone, and to being away for a little while. But. Man, oh, man, I hate leaving home. It's absurd.

I suspect it has more to do with the delicate balance of animal life I have here in the house than anything else, but I imagine there will always be something pulling me home. And sure, two of them are ill, one seriously so. And this house is falling apart, and I suspect that there's a protective shield that might travel with me, and doom the house to crumble in on itself.

Once I'm on the plane, I'm pretty much fine. I can turn towards the trip and have a good time. But the run-up to travel is crazy stressful. I'm trying something new this time, though: preparedness. Rather than fight the pending trip by pretending it's not happening, I am possibly more prepared than ever before. I'm even throwing in a personal goal, which is to pack like a grown-up would, with proper shoes, clothes that don't have frayed sleeves and stains, and with an eye on the weather reports. I remain on a quest for the Perfect Carry-On Bag, which is sadly stalled, but I'm determined to find it one day, and I will no doubt apprise you of my progress on that. I will figure out how to look showered and clean for my trip, and I will know where all the chargers are. Baby steps, People. Baby steps.

Still to do, clean for the housesitter, post a blog entry, stock up on kitty food and medication for the time I'm gone, memorize a monologue, put out the old dishwasher for bulky item pick-up tomorrow morning, meet with the plumber about myriad water issues, volunteer, perform monologue, ship a box of stuff ahead, meet with the housesitter, and finalize packing. I should probably get started.

Jenny

It's Not So Much Writer's Block

It's not so much "writer's block" as it is being devoid of anything interesting to say.

I could write for hours and hours but who in their right mind would find any of the following remotely interesting...

- a thorough exploration of my emotional breakdown during "Where The Wild Things Are" (starting with uncontrollable tears during a Sandra Bullock trailer before the movie - beyond embarrassing)
- how is it that I'm the only person in my department who makes a new pot of coffee?
- why owls are cool.

Sigh.



This too shall pass…
gretch

Step by Step

I've been teaching myself a new computer program over the last two months and it's the kind of thing where you read a step in the book, then do that step in the program. However, sometimes the author of my instruction manual uses a misleading word or phrase and I'm stuck for 20 minutes trying to drag a box to a corner and nothing happens like it's supposed to.

I have been going through a rather dense book at a pretty good pace because I have allowed myself to not master everything before I move on to the next step. In the past I would have drilled down until I understood the essence of everything that dragging a box to a corner could mean in this dimension and the next.

I have to remember that I'm not doing Algebra anymore at the dining room table at 11:30 at night while I can hear The Tonight Show theme from the living room.

I spent many a night hunched over at a table with a light and one of my parental units hovering over me. I hated it then and I hate it now.

So, I have the luxury of time now to speed through the book and go back and review what I need to.

And I don't have to do it while Conan's on either.

Kurt

Ulterior Motive

Early this morning I saw Oliver Stone emerging from the underbrush at the base of Runyon Canyon.

I did a double take.

Turns out it was his homeless doppelganger. I bet that guy gets that a lot.



This is less about me seeing Oliver Stone’s twin, and more of an excuse to work into casual conversation that I got up early to “do” Runyon this morning.

My butt hurts.

gretch

Howlloween

Black and orange are THE fashionable colors for this month. Pumpkins are orange (I'm aware that pumpkin is not only a food but a color but they're still orange to me), and the nights get longer, etc.

Recently I was in a Halloween Store just to look around. You can get a good deal on a fog machine for $90 or for $14 you can get a small cauldron of flame made with silk fabric blown by a small fan. Also in the store were demonic clowns. I don't know when clowns made it into Halloween, but it seems to me that they should have their own scary holiday.

There are a lot of costumes to buy of course, but I love, love, love it when I go to parties and girls are in their "slutty [blank] costume." What I mean is a lot of times girls pick a costume for a party but whatever they want to be, they add the word "slutty." For example, instead of a princess, I'm a slutty princess. Instead of an cop, I'm a slutty cop. Instead of prostitute, I'm a slutty prostitute.

It's like adding "in bed" to the end of a fortune cookie, or saying "That's what she said."

It's unfortunate that this is my only night of the year to see a slutty teacher, slutty cat, slutty nurse, slutty witch, slutty Raggedy Ann, or my favorite slutty slut.

I've been invited to three parties. I'll report back.

Kurt

Everything is Coming Up Roses

I don't want to get ahead of myself, and I can't give you the details, but it looks as though I will finally be rewarded for all my hard work being the best person I can be. I have been contacted by a certain someone in a certain country. She is unfortunately suffering from a fatal Disease, but it's okay because it turns out she believes we all have to die someday. Isn't that lucky? Her husband, now deceased, put a huge amount of US dollars in an account overseas, while he was managing some high-level project in the Netherlands. Turns out, since she doesn't have anyone close to her there that she trusts, I have been chosen to receive these funds! I immediately wrote back to assure her that she'd chosen the right person, and I sent her my social security number and banking information. I am waiting now for what's called an MOU, which stands for Memorandum of Understanding. Isn't that so Official-Sounding? Oh, I can hardly contain myself. Looks like the rules of international finance are going to do their best to delay processing, but I have plenty of credit cards to use while I wait. And when the whole transaction is done, I can promise you a big celebratory party somewhere fancy. Stay tuned! Meanwhile, I am to contact the FEDEX EXPRESS COURIER COMPANY, at a weird email address (you'd think FEDEX would have a standard @fedex.com!) since the cheque had been converted to cash and boxed in a diplomatic pouch. I need to send them the insurance fee and then it's just a matter of waiting for my box. I'm so excited I'm not making any sense.

Jenny

500 Days of Crap

I treated myself to a movie last week and I saw 500 Days of Summer.

This movie is about a guy that falls in love with a girl named Summer and then the girl dumps him and he gets depressed. He also has funny friends that tell him to snap out of it.

At the end of the movie he meets a girl that he likes and her name is Autumn.

Roll Credits!

Maybe my idea about robots on mars killing people is not such a bad idea after all.

Kurt

The Truth Is Out There…Again.

I really don’t care that Fringe is The X-Files. JJ Abrams is one smart sonuvabitch. People loved The X-Files. Not so much the movies, but people really loved the television show and were sad to see it end. So what does JJ Abrams do? He serves it right back up -- and to the same network no less. Don’t want any more of that enchilada? How ‘bout this burrito. Psst…it’s the same stuff, just in a different configuration. And guess what? It’s delicious.

And so is Fringe. I want a government conspiracy. I want monsters. I want monsters getting in the way of figuring out a government conspiracy. Mmm, cheesy meaty goodness.





You know what I also miss, JJ Abrams? I miss Felicity. I do. I miss Felicity and Ben and Noel and their doorway whisper-talking. Hey, JJ Abrams, I’ve got a great idea, it’s about a this group of friends going to school in, I don’t know, maybe New York? They live in these crazy spacious apartments that would probably cost more than a small Carribean island and they’re all just trying to figure shit out while occasionally sleeping with each other. I know you already did it a few years ago, JJ Abrams, but we’re ready for more. If anybody can sell it, it’s you and it’s already yours so you’re only going to make more money. Call it Carolina and cast a redhead in the lead. Bing Bam Boom…golden.

Thanks, JJ Abrams,
gretch