Shut Up & Tan!

I got stuck in the right-hand turn lane on Melrose this morning and was forced to take a detour up Robertson. It’s been awhile since I’ve been on Robertson, just south of Santa Monica - there are some new storefronts and one in particular called out to me… “Shut Up & Tan!” Yeah, with an exclamation point and everything. Seems a bit aggressive for me, especially for fake tanning. Makes me think what it would be like…

INT. SHUT UP & TAN! – DAY

A friendly bell rings as GRETCHEN pushes open the door and enters the tanning salon. The Beach Boys’ “Kokomo” wafts lightly from a speaker hidden behind a fake palm tree in the corner. Gretchen beams, looking forward to her first spray tan.

The solitary SHUT UP & TAN! EMPLOYEE looks up, his eyes bright white against his skin, the color of See's milk chocolate. His canary yellow crepe paper hair is gelled into a perfect faux hawk. He slowly puts his pointer finger to the tip of his tongue. Almost in slow motion, he returns the finger to the In Style magazine in front of him, using the moisture to assist him in flipping the page. He returns his attention to the magazine and chuckles through his nose.

GRETCHEN
Hi.

She pauses to receive a greeting in return, but when none is offered, she continues.

GRETCHEN
I’m interested in trying a spray tan. I’ve never had one before.

The Employee turns slowly and heads down a hallway behind the reception desk. Gretchen looks after him and manages to catch the ever-so-slight gesture for her to follow him. She rushes after the Employee, nearly running into him as he stops abruptly in front of Room 2.

Gretchen follows the general instructions which, luckily for her, are posted on the wall. Standing there in her swimsuit, Gretchen begins to get nervous about the process, feeling not at all informed nor prepared for what is about to happen. She puts her ear to the door, listening for sounds of life.

GRETCHEN
Are you out there?

The Employee doesn’t answer, but Gretchen can hear him pop his gum.

GRETCHEN
Is this spray stuff safe?

EMPLOYEE (O.S)
Shut up!

Gretchen is taken aback by this, the first exchange of words from the Employee.

GRETCHEN
Um, it’s just that I’m not sure if the spray you use is at all toxic and if so, should I somehow cover my eyes and mouth. Or is it like baby shampoo or something like that? No tears spray tan.
(Gretchen giggles nervously)

EMPLOYEE (O.S.)
Shut up!

GRETCHEN
Can you warn me when you’re going to turn on the spray because I don’t want —

Multiple nozzles pop out of the walls surrounding Gretchen and spray a brown liquid, at an incredible velocity, toward her pale skin. The sensation is that of having hundreds of red-hot needles poked into her skin at once. Gretchen screams at first in surprise and then in what is the most intense pain imaginable.

GRETCHEN
Help! Please! Please turn it off! It hurts! My skin, oh God, my skin!

EMPLOYEE (O.S.)
Shut up and tan!!!

THE END