To the Stars of Twilight

Kristen and Robert,

I’m…sorry, are we…bothering you? These millions of screaming fans are so annoying, huh? The instant wealth and popularity and job security (at least for the next couple years) must totally be the lamest. Is this interview too taxing? Because the way you’re slouching with one leg slung over the arm of the comfy chair we provided, massaging your temples and squinting I can’t help but think you must have a horrible migraine or perhaps you’re hungover from a night of underage binge drinking. I have a sneaking suspicion, however, that you’re really suffering from a misplaced and overactive superiority complex that, when combined with your run of the mill teenage angst, makes for a nasty and omnipresent scowl. Right? That’s it, am I right? In the immortal words of Jonathan Schmock as the Chez Quis Maitre D’ in Ferris Bueller’s Day Off, “I weep for the future.”

My mother wouldn’t let me so much as shuffle in my flip-flops, let alone allow me leave the house with legwarmers on my arms, not having showered in days. Perhaps you were left at the steps of the Stella Adler Actors Conservatory when you were babies so you don’t have parents telling you to adjust your attitude. But you have publicists and they have to know that you look like a couple of jerks. And I mean that in the nicest way possible as I thought you more than held your own in Panic Room, little Kristen, and Robert, what’s not to like about you in Harry Potter?

Am I jealous? Sure, no doubt about it. Do I wish I had been a rich, gorgeous teen actor? Uh, it was only my life’s dream up until a couple years ago when I realized, to my disbelief, that I was 30 and twice the size of any starlet in the LA area. Am I a “hater” in general? Yep, you got me, and you probably don’t want to get me started on Tropic Thunder. But I’m not wildly off-base, am I? You kids should be a little more polite and animated. I don’t care if you’re “shy,” you’re an actor so act like you’re interested and interesting. Take a page out of Steve Carell’s handbook and show up to interviews humble and giggling and wide-eyed and appreciative and the world will love you for it. Plus, it’s your job, so just do it. At least you don’t have to work at movie theater or Spencer’s Gifts or McDonalds like the rest of us had to as teenagers.

If there is any justice in the universe, when you are in your mid-30s you are going to look back on this time of your life and be horrified by your behavior. You’ll dry heave at random intervals throughout the day due to the embarrassment you’ll feel when you remember how you’d throw your “sexy look” at any camera within range. You’ll consider taking out ads in Variety and The Report to apologize for coming off like you were God’s gift to acting. You’ll agree to appear in a mockumentary about sexy teen actors all grown up and you will be charming and funny because you will realize how ridiculous you once were.

In the meantime, comb your fucking hair, sit up straight and smile, goddamn it!

with love,

Gretchen

Oh, and I really do look forward to seeing your movie, I'll just have to wait until I can get it from netflix. I can’t bring myself to see it in the theaters because the whole idea makes me feel uncomfortable and old.