Make it Work

Cincinnati Bengals, listen to me. You need new uniforms. You've had those sorry tiger striped disasters on for over 20 years now. They were ugly then and they're ugly now. Your team will always be a loser until you get new uniforms. Did a fourth grader design your uni's? Did they let the janitor at NFL Properties design your uni's? Black and orange are great colors, but c'mon, with tiger stripes?

If your uniform was a contestant on Project Runway, Top American Designer Michael Kors would say, "Cincinnati Bengals, your look is too matchy matchy", and Nina Garcia, Editor-at-large for Elle Magazine would say, "There is no cohesion. The pants are white, the helmet is orange with what are those tiger stripes? I don't think you thought this out. It looks very thrown together." This is where Michael would chime in and say, "... and that crotch is a disaster." I can hear Heidi Klum saying, "It looks like a mess to me. No?" A hot mess.

And what is up with the name Bengals? How many bleeping Bengal Tigers are there roaming South West Ohio? I'll tell you, none. I know you have beavers and squirrels in Ohio, why don't you change your name to something like that? Or how about changing your name to the 'Ligers', from Napoleon Dynamite?

Bengals, listen to me!!!! Get new uniforms. Start with the colors (which I said were fine), and come up with something different. I don't care if you smack a tiger decal on the side of your helmets, but no stripes. Say it with me, no stripes! Why don't you change your colors to teal and green, no wait, that's the Dolphins.

Mark my words, you will not win until you look good. When you look good, you feel good.

As Tim Gunn would say, "Make it work!"