Yo, Bra!

I was forced to go bra shopping last week, due to a limited time offer on my new Macy's card, and the fact that It Was Past Time that I do so. Now you menfolk can just move on to the next post/site/game/whatever, but it would behoove you to understand more about what makes women tick/ticked off. And nothing can do that in the same way that bra shopping can.

Now, I can't speak for A cups. This is about C+ cups. Because something happens in the upper ranges of sizing....something nefarious and cruel. I think it might be some sort of social experiment.

First, you have to find the right one - amidst all the brands, colors, sizes, wireless/underwire, push-up, minimized, padded, sheer, strap configuration, and so on. If it meets all your criteria, that's great, but it's no guarantee that your boobs won't look too smushed together or too far apart when under your clothes. So you have to take off your top and bra, put on the new one, jump up and down a little to make sure you don't get "bubble-boobs" and then put your shirt back on to see how they fare, but you'll have to pretend there isn't a huge hanging label down one side. If it's a lacy cup, or if there's a seam running across the cup, does it show through the shirt? And what if the bra has a PDNA? That's "Pre-Determined Nipple Area" for those of you just joining us. Yes, to add to the insanity, some of the designers have decided for you where your nipple goes.

If you are lucky enough to find one that fits, then you have to hang onto it like grim death. Because there's no telling where it came from in that sea of simulated silk ta-tas. Because by now, you'll be pretty dizzy and disoriented. If you find your way back to the right rack, you will be very lucky to find more of the exact kind you are holding. And if (heaven forfend) you can only find ones in different colors, then you have to try each of them on, because it makes a difference. Different fabrics, different dye lots, different sewers....all of this matters. The safest thing to do is also the most soul-crushing: try them all on now.

Oh, and they cost a fortune. If you're a size that's carried in your average lingerie department, well you'll only pay between $25 and $40 per brassiere, but if you're larger, then you're talking about online specialty stores and custom building which can cost more than $100 per.

Would it surprise you to find out that most of the bra designers are men? Not me. To make your own customers do all this - well, folks, that takes balls.