Nine out of ten Murdered Dentists....

OK, so this is an interesting tidbit I heard on the news, more than once. It's that 90% of murder victims are killed by someone they know. I was aware at the time I heard this, of an inner voice saying, "oh, then I'm fine. Because no one I know would kill me." But if you give it just a moment's reflection, I think you can see how that statistic teaches the exact opposite lesson.

It's probably easier to look at your friends and acquaintances and tell who is least likely to kill you. The babies. The old and infirm. These are your real friends.

Food for thought. Merry Christmas.

Jenny

SCTV

Back in the day I was a big fan of SCTV. It was on Friday nights and if I wasn't working I was sure enough in front of the tv watching the show.

Just yesterday I put in one of the four box sets we have in the house and I watched the Christmas Special from 1981. I am very glad to say that it holds up very well.

They did a Christmas sketch based on Neil Simon's Plaza Suite called The Nutcracker Suite. It still kills me.

Last week I watched SNL and I sat through several bits that, well, let's just say that they weren't up to SCTV standards.

John Candy as Divine, on ice skates! Dave Thomas as Michael Caine, Catherine O'Hara as Maggie Smith, and Rick Moranis as Richard Dreyfus from Jaws.

I can't forget Joe Flaherty as Count Floyd or Andrea Martin as Marsha Mason, or Eugene Levy playing Judd Hirsch playing Neil Simon.

If you haven't seen this show... run to see it.

I feel like Rex Reed with that last sentence.

Kurt

Not slutty enough. AGAIN.

It seems that this is going to follow me to my grave, and the sooner I come to terms with it, the better: I am not that slutty.

This monkey climbed on board my back eons ago...junior high, I guess. Puberty. Boob-wise, I blossomed, but they didn't come with a corresponding urge to show them to anyone and everyone who asked. I never learned how to hook a thumb in one side of my panties and pull that side down ever so slightly for a photo. I likewise had pretty tame Spring Breaks, where practically no drunk girls tongue-kissed each other because the little light on the camera was red.

I don't know why I'm miffed that Tiger Woods never once tried to get me into bed. But it hurts, I have to tell you. I long for the sex scandal where there are some real surprises....where the mistresses are not from Vegas, where none of them are "would-be models," or "porn stars." What happened to the average forty-somethings, with unruly hair and body-image issues? You think they don't want famous people to sneak around on their wives with them?

I can't help thinking about Elin Nordegren Woods. She's gorgeous. I mean, really. I never thought I'd have anything in common with someone like her, but here we are in the same stupid boat: not slutty enough for Tiger Woods.

The girl-next-door,

Jenny

Books Are For Reading

I’ve recently found myself on some sort of spam list for -- apologies for the crudeness -- Fuckbook. I have to think that this is not a coincidence, that the techies over at Fuckbook were somehow able to find out that I am a member of both GoodReads and Bookmooch (neither of which involve humping, boning or – ehem – fucking) and extrapolated that I’d also be interested in Fuckbook. I have no idea what their service consists of…but I’m going to make an educated guess and say that they offer books that one can fuck. A Fuckbook of sorts. That’s the only logical conclusion I can come to.

Unless it’s a porn site.
Oh.
Yeah.
It might be a porn site.
It’s probably a porn site.
A porn site for librarians.
I get it now.



Librarians are crazy. Believe it.
gretch

Sentimentality

The other night I was with a good friend and we were watching Hoarders.

Of course there was a house that was just full of garbage which got me to thinking.

I am the opposite of a hoarder. I am always looking to get rid of stuff. Just last week I gave away some clothes.

My idea of a nice place to live is a place that has practically nothing in it... so it looks like a room at a Motel 6.

My problem won't be on TV, but since that one-eyed monster needs feeding, maybe A&E will come knocking on my door.

Kurt

1 877 KARS FOR KIDS

I have heard this commercial on the radio a lot. So much so that it is now on my "turn off" list, where I have to turn off the radio when I hear it come on. This song has also joined any Sit 'N Sleep commercial where I know Larry is going to scream, "FREE!".

If you haven't heard the 1 877 KARS FOR KIDS commercial then consider yourself lucky. The spot starts out with a song and a child and an adult singing this droning song which sounds like music played at Universal Studios Theme Park. The song is so methodical that you are lulled into a light hypnotic state where you become susceptible to its evil.

As I just wrote that last line I heard one of the new dust mite commercials for Sit 'N Sleep where they scare you into thinking that you sleep with bugs eating at you all night.

Bastards. I couldn't get to my remote fast enough.

Next commercial on my list?

Commercials telling me that I need gold in my portfolio.

Kurt

Quick Quiz to Check if You're Dead Inside

It only takes 17 seconds....




The More You Know about yourself....

Jenny

Um...sir?

Turn lanes aren't merely a "suggestion."



Good luck out there,
gretch

Ever have one of those days

Lately I've been feeling like I've been having a day like the girl in the photo has been having.

I wanted to get a lot of stuff done this week, but...

I got sick,

things took longer than I thought they would,

the dryer broke,

I gotta pick someone up at the airport,

that thing you bought is broken and now you have to troubleshoot it,

the car ride to class takes longer than you think,

I look forward to Thanksgiving next week but I've gotta wash and wax the car...

you get it.

Stuff gets in the way, but of course it's the same old story that I get in my own way.

If only those people will stop shooting at me.

Kurt

A Valuable Lesson

I’m not a hater. I don’t hate January Jones. Not even a little bit. I don’t like Betty Draper and I side with Don one hundred percent of the time, but that’s not January Jones’ fault. That belongs to Matthew Weiner. I think January Jones is an absolutely gorgeous woman. She’s poised and delicate and has a smile that could melt St. Mary’s Glacier.



And I don’t even know the woman, so how could I hate her. I don’t begrudge January Jones anything.

But that doesn’t mean that I didn’t see that train wreck of a Saturday Night Live appearance coming, and that I didn’t not-so-secretly take great pleasure in it.

Sure, I groaned aloud and rolled my eyes the whole time, this doesn’t make me a hater. I was just reacting in frustration to the idea that if someone is attractive, he/she is good at everything. That is patently false. Just because you’re gorgeous and poised and delicate and have a smile that could melt a slow moving ice mass in the Colorado Rockies, does not mean that you also have comedic timing. Or that you can even read cue cards. I think we all learned a valuable lesson. Being pretty can be hard (aw)…but being funny is harder (ha).

knock, knock.
Who's there?
gretch

Thanks to our Veterans

Yesterday was Veteran's Day and I would like to thank all of the men and women that have and do protect our country so that guys like me can make sure I get my photo taken at places like this...

Thank You.

Kurt

I'll be out of the office today....

Yes, I feel like an asshole for laughing when someone obviously was murdered and set on fire, and on his birthday, no less. But this goes to show you how important a pause can be. Or perhaps a "First up tonight, a grisly murder....etc." Just saying.

Jenny

That's Quite a Resume, Dr. Kovelman

Nestled between a marijuana dispensary and the mysterious Nude Paris House on Santa Monica Boulevard sits this non-descript little medical building:


It would have gone unnoticed if not for a red light backup earlier this week, when I made a fateful glace over to my right and, to my delight, spied this:


Apologies for the small size, for those of you who can’t make it out, this sign publicizes the services of Rozalia Kovelman M.D. who specializes in Dermatology & Allergy and Venereal Disease.

Some things to consider when visiting Dr. Kovelman’s office:

- When settling on Dr. Kovelman for dermatological services, you might want to wait until you have a full-blown acne breakout before making an appointment.

- You should ask Dr. Kovelman to wash her hands a second, third and maybe fourth time before administering your allergy scratch test. No one wants a stubborn case of gonorrhea on his/her shoulder. Especially in Los Angeles, where it’s always tank-top weather.

- If seeking relief for an animal dander allergy, please specify that it's your nose that is dripping when filling out the symptom questionnaire. You'd be surprised how big a difference that can make.

- When checking in, loudly proclaim that you’re suffering from horrible seasonal allergies and have an irregular mole you want checked out. Kovelman is used to patients adding “it burns like hot lava when I pee” after she asks if there’s anything else you had concerns about.

Let’s be safe out there, kids!
g

Thhhhhhhe Yankees Win!!

Joe Girardi and The Yankees have won the world series.

Many years ago I was sitting in the Streetcar bar in NYC. The sports report was on the news and they were talking about the new catcher that the Yankees had just acquired named Joe Girardi. Later that night I was listening to WFAN and the Steve Sommers show. Steve Somers was going off on what a terrible idea it was to hire Joe Girardi. Steve was saying stuff like, "Oh, this is great. Joe Girardi is going to be the key that will get this team winning again."

Steve went on and on all night. I guess I couldn't sleep that night as I heard him rail about how awful this is going to be.

I always felt bad for Joe, and it turned out he was a pretty good player for The Yankees, and now he just managed them to a World Series win.

Now, I could care less about The Yankees, unless they're playing The Pirates, but I do wonder what Steve Somers is doing now.

Oh, he's still at WFAN.

Kurt

Popping Wheelies

I'm not sure who is to blame for this really, but I suspect it's the usual suspects, Selfish People. These are the ones who wheel full-sized luggage onto the plane and then try to use your appropriately-sized carry-on as a wedge of some sort. They are The Ones who have brought us to this pass. These folks are not punished - in fact, their bad behavior has been rewarded. And we who pack and check a normal bag like regular people are punished with fees and dark looks. It cost me $20 each way on my most recent trip, just to be less annoying than those other guys. And I guess they have me there, I'm going to pay it. I refuse to be that person who can't lift her bag to the overhead compartment without a stranger's help. I like to just pack up my shampoo and other viscous toiletries in their original containers, and not have to transfer a rationed amount to teensy TSA-approved bottles like some sort of mental patient.

So, okay, yes. I do overpack. I bring way more than I need on any given trip. So what are you going to do? Penalize me? Oh, yeah, you're doing that already.

Jenny

Succumb!

"Beefeater!

Drink it, use it!

Arghhhh, I love Beefeater Gin and so should you!

Chicks find me so adorable when I drink Beefeater!

Men want to be like me when I drink Beefeater!

Arghhh! Beefeater!

Succumb to my power and the power of my gin!

Succumb!"

Kurt

And now for another thrilling installment of “Gretchen Feels Really Strongly About Something She Knows Nothing About”

Today’s episode…that guy from The Black Eyed Peas.

One recent evening I was too lazy to grab the remote in order to fast forward through all those cumbersome commercials, so I sat through…I don’t know… perhaps it was a DirecTV or a unisex deodorant or maybe an alternative soft drink commercial featuring the members of The Black Eyed Peas. Well two of them. So there’s will.i.am (who I know because I have a crush on his song “It’s A New Day” and he was a great panel member on Real Time with Bill Maher) and there’s the chick with the smokin’ hot body and unfortunate face…you know…whatshername. But what about the tall Asian and/or Latino guy? What’s up with him? He get’s barely half a second of screen time in the commercial. And I’m sure it’s always been that way. I bet he calls his mom to tell her his band is going to be playing on the MTV Music Awards. Well Mom gets all excited. She calls all her friends to brag. The night of the big show, she makes sure Grandma has a good view of the television set and that the twins got their homework done early, and they all sit down to watch it together. But the camera never pans to him. Not even once. He runs behind whatshername a few times, but really, he’s just a blur. His mom tells him that the band’s performance was very good (whatshername could have dressed a little less provocatively), and that they especially enjoyed his…energy. But he knows. He knows he’ll never be a stand out. He doesn’t have the same political clout as will.i.am or sex appeal as the dude with the boobs. But what other choice does he have? He was an art history major, this is as good as it’s going to get for him. So he just keeps running back and forth in the background. That makes me profoundly sad. Sadder than sad.

This concludes this installment of “Gretchen Feels Really Strongly About Something She Knows Nothing About.”

Postscript:
In searching for an image for this installment of “Gretchen Feels Really Strongly About Something She Knows Nothing About,” I found out that there is a fourth member of The Black Eyed Peas. I was confused and embarrassed, but mostly confused. I seriously considered abandoning the post, but then realized that it only reinforced the fact that I know absolutely nothing about The Black Eyed Peas. Now I don’t know if I feel sorrier for, this forgotten member or the art history major. Let’s just say both. Let’s just say both.



You bet your sweet ass I was an art history major,
gretch

I Want Candy

I just ate three months worth of Halloween candy.

I'm going to be up for a while as I don't eat a lot of chocolate. It's not a "staple of my diet" as a friend of mine says, but I'll be up for a while.

Growing up I remember having an Atom Ant costume, a batman costume, and I also remember being "a bum" quite a bit.

One year, at the Halloween Parade in my town an older kid went as the Frito Bandito. He had small Frito Corn Chips attached to his belt, and he won some sort of prize..

Bastard.

I tried that costume the next year and failed to win a prize.

Bastards.

I've been invited to a Halloween party that is going to be filled with special effects people from the film industry. These people go all out and the costumes are nothing less than FABULOUS!

I'd like to see that kid from my town at that party in his Frito Bandito costume now.

Bastard.

Kurt

The Perfect Trip

I am traveling soon. Friday I got to Chicago and then Monday from Chicago to the New York/New Jersey/Fairfield County, Connecticut tri-state area. There's a wedding in Chicago that I'm thrilled to attend, and lots of visits set up there and in NY with old friends and family fun. I'm looking forward to seeing everyone, and to being away for a little while. But. Man, oh, man, I hate leaving home. It's absurd.

I suspect it has more to do with the delicate balance of animal life I have here in the house than anything else, but I imagine there will always be something pulling me home. And sure, two of them are ill, one seriously so. And this house is falling apart, and I suspect that there's a protective shield that might travel with me, and doom the house to crumble in on itself.

Once I'm on the plane, I'm pretty much fine. I can turn towards the trip and have a good time. But the run-up to travel is crazy stressful. I'm trying something new this time, though: preparedness. Rather than fight the pending trip by pretending it's not happening, I am possibly more prepared than ever before. I'm even throwing in a personal goal, which is to pack like a grown-up would, with proper shoes, clothes that don't have frayed sleeves and stains, and with an eye on the weather reports. I remain on a quest for the Perfect Carry-On Bag, which is sadly stalled, but I'm determined to find it one day, and I will no doubt apprise you of my progress on that. I will figure out how to look showered and clean for my trip, and I will know where all the chargers are. Baby steps, People. Baby steps.

Still to do, clean for the housesitter, post a blog entry, stock up on kitty food and medication for the time I'm gone, memorize a monologue, put out the old dishwasher for bulky item pick-up tomorrow morning, meet with the plumber about myriad water issues, volunteer, perform monologue, ship a box of stuff ahead, meet with the housesitter, and finalize packing. I should probably get started.

Jenny

It's Not So Much Writer's Block

It's not so much "writer's block" as it is being devoid of anything interesting to say.

I could write for hours and hours but who in their right mind would find any of the following remotely interesting...

- a thorough exploration of my emotional breakdown during "Where The Wild Things Are" (starting with uncontrollable tears during a Sandra Bullock trailer before the movie - beyond embarrassing)
- how is it that I'm the only person in my department who makes a new pot of coffee?
- why owls are cool.

Sigh.



This too shall pass…
gretch

Step by Step

I've been teaching myself a new computer program over the last two months and it's the kind of thing where you read a step in the book, then do that step in the program. However, sometimes the author of my instruction manual uses a misleading word or phrase and I'm stuck for 20 minutes trying to drag a box to a corner and nothing happens like it's supposed to.

I have been going through a rather dense book at a pretty good pace because I have allowed myself to not master everything before I move on to the next step. In the past I would have drilled down until I understood the essence of everything that dragging a box to a corner could mean in this dimension and the next.

I have to remember that I'm not doing Algebra anymore at the dining room table at 11:30 at night while I can hear The Tonight Show theme from the living room.

I spent many a night hunched over at a table with a light and one of my parental units hovering over me. I hated it then and I hate it now.

So, I have the luxury of time now to speed through the book and go back and review what I need to.

And I don't have to do it while Conan's on either.

Kurt

Ulterior Motive

Early this morning I saw Oliver Stone emerging from the underbrush at the base of Runyon Canyon.

I did a double take.

Turns out it was his homeless doppelganger. I bet that guy gets that a lot.



This is less about me seeing Oliver Stone’s twin, and more of an excuse to work into casual conversation that I got up early to “do” Runyon this morning.

My butt hurts.

gretch

Howlloween

Black and orange are THE fashionable colors for this month. Pumpkins are orange (I'm aware that pumpkin is not only a food but a color but they're still orange to me), and the nights get longer, etc.

Recently I was in a Halloween Store just to look around. You can get a good deal on a fog machine for $90 or for $14 you can get a small cauldron of flame made with silk fabric blown by a small fan. Also in the store were demonic clowns. I don't know when clowns made it into Halloween, but it seems to me that they should have their own scary holiday.

There are a lot of costumes to buy of course, but I love, love, love it when I go to parties and girls are in their "slutty [blank] costume." What I mean is a lot of times girls pick a costume for a party but whatever they want to be, they add the word "slutty." For example, instead of a princess, I'm a slutty princess. Instead of an cop, I'm a slutty cop. Instead of prostitute, I'm a slutty prostitute.

It's like adding "in bed" to the end of a fortune cookie, or saying "That's what she said."

It's unfortunate that this is my only night of the year to see a slutty teacher, slutty cat, slutty nurse, slutty witch, slutty Raggedy Ann, or my favorite slutty slut.

I've been invited to three parties. I'll report back.

Kurt

Everything is Coming Up Roses

I don't want to get ahead of myself, and I can't give you the details, but it looks as though I will finally be rewarded for all my hard work being the best person I can be. I have been contacted by a certain someone in a certain country. She is unfortunately suffering from a fatal Disease, but it's okay because it turns out she believes we all have to die someday. Isn't that lucky? Her husband, now deceased, put a huge amount of US dollars in an account overseas, while he was managing some high-level project in the Netherlands. Turns out, since she doesn't have anyone close to her there that she trusts, I have been chosen to receive these funds! I immediately wrote back to assure her that she'd chosen the right person, and I sent her my social security number and banking information. I am waiting now for what's called an MOU, which stands for Memorandum of Understanding. Isn't that so Official-Sounding? Oh, I can hardly contain myself. Looks like the rules of international finance are going to do their best to delay processing, but I have plenty of credit cards to use while I wait. And when the whole transaction is done, I can promise you a big celebratory party somewhere fancy. Stay tuned! Meanwhile, I am to contact the FEDEX EXPRESS COURIER COMPANY, at a weird email address (you'd think FEDEX would have a standard @fedex.com!) since the cheque had been converted to cash and boxed in a diplomatic pouch. I need to send them the insurance fee and then it's just a matter of waiting for my box. I'm so excited I'm not making any sense.

Jenny

500 Days of Crap

I treated myself to a movie last week and I saw 500 Days of Summer.

This movie is about a guy that falls in love with a girl named Summer and then the girl dumps him and he gets depressed. He also has funny friends that tell him to snap out of it.

At the end of the movie he meets a girl that he likes and her name is Autumn.

Roll Credits!

Maybe my idea about robots on mars killing people is not such a bad idea after all.

Kurt

The Truth Is Out There…Again.

I really don’t care that Fringe is The X-Files. JJ Abrams is one smart sonuvabitch. People loved The X-Files. Not so much the movies, but people really loved the television show and were sad to see it end. So what does JJ Abrams do? He serves it right back up -- and to the same network no less. Don’t want any more of that enchilada? How ‘bout this burrito. Psst…it’s the same stuff, just in a different configuration. And guess what? It’s delicious.

And so is Fringe. I want a government conspiracy. I want monsters. I want monsters getting in the way of figuring out a government conspiracy. Mmm, cheesy meaty goodness.





You know what I also miss, JJ Abrams? I miss Felicity. I do. I miss Felicity and Ben and Noel and their doorway whisper-talking. Hey, JJ Abrams, I’ve got a great idea, it’s about a this group of friends going to school in, I don’t know, maybe New York? They live in these crazy spacious apartments that would probably cost more than a small Carribean island and they’re all just trying to figure shit out while occasionally sleeping with each other. I know you already did it a few years ago, JJ Abrams, but we’re ready for more. If anybody can sell it, it’s you and it’s already yours so you’re only going to make more money. Call it Carolina and cast a redhead in the lead. Bing Bam Boom…golden.

Thanks, JJ Abrams,
gretch

It’s Not My Fault…

This summary is not available. Please click here to view the post.

Bring us Paper

I can't believe that we have been doing this for a YEAR already.

We actually started on September 1st, 2008, but hey, we made it through the year.

The anniversary of me being bitten by a spider is in just a few days which I was reminded of when I was re-arranging my room around a couple of days ago for the upcoming long winter.--it basically means that I move my bed away from the window.-- because I remember taking a whole day moving a bed and a desk when it should have taken an hour after I got bit.

But I don't want to rehash my spider bite, that is not the kind of anniversary I want to celebrate but I know that I am going to enjoy some kind of treat for the Big Hollywood Blog anniversary.

Paper is the traditional gift for a first anniversary and knowing my comrades like I do, we'd be happy with a notepad from the 99 Cents Only Store.

Maybe I'll buy a paper today.

Kurt

Fung Shway

I'm lazy.

I don't want to look up the correct way to spell the title of this post.

People tell me that I don't want to have anything under my bed because it goes against Fung Shway. People tell me that I don't want to have my bed facing the door the wrong way because it goes against Fung Shway.

People tell me that if I got my energy aligned that I would be more successful and that I'd be happier.

People tell me that my energy dictates what happens to me.

Really.

So I guess I had bad energy when my hair fell out and I could get my hair back if I got my good energy back?

Really.

So when something really good that happens in my life then I am using my good energy, although I still have my shoes under my bed?

Huh.

Next year we're going to find out that you're supposed to have your shoes under your bed because they contain the energy that carries you through life to your goals.

Really?

I think it's more about what I do than what I don't.

For me, worrying about my fung shway would drive me nuts, making me question everything. What if I had nothing under my bed and I was a failure. Then I'd be vacuming under my bed hoping that my life would improve.

See where I'm going here?

Or are you lazy too.

Kurt

Fire Good

Am I the only one who can see a bright side to losing one's home in a fire? Because I confess to a tiny feeling of relief when I imagine it. Oh, to start again. To make better decisions, to be as wonderful as I imagine the Other Me would be. Sigh.

I rent a house, and it's full to the rafters with crap I've been collecting my whole life, and dragging across the country. I'm no good at throwing things away, true, but I'm pretty sure I'm just a couple of defective neurons away from the all-out packrat/hoarder danger zone.

The house, once proud, is now a bit shabby. This is what happens to houses that have been rented for 20 years or so. I've often fantasized about how I'd renovate it, if it were mine to renovate, but I think this is just because I can't stand the idea of packing up all my crap. It would be worth it to me to avoid that, by buying this money pit. That's bad. Lately, I've begun to imagine a scenario where I'm forced to move because of the termites, or the pipes, or the wiring, or any of the other perfectly legitimate health and safety concerns that might condemn this place. And I think I would just sell everything, and start over again, as if there'd been a fire. Or maybe I'd drag my stuff out to the street and post a "take any of this" sign. What I'd lose in potential yard sale dollars I'd make up in not having to have a yard sale. Which is a fair trade, in my opinion.

Ah, well,

Jenny

Falling For A Bad Boy

This is Taylor Kitsch as Tim Riggins on the amazingly wonderful series Friday Night Lights.


Really?
Really, dude?
Come on, that’s not fair.

I avoided the inevitable Riggins downward spiral for years by simply refusing to watch Friday Night Lights. Sure I heard about people going gaga for this guy, but I didn’t get it. I rolled my eyes and snorted and whispered under my breath, “cut your hair, you hippy.”

However, after plowing through two seasons of FNL in less than a month, I’ve fallen big-time for bad-boy Riggins. He’s a hard livin’ hard drinkin’ football playin’ womanizer…and apparently only a sophomore in high school. He skips class and cheats on tests and sleeps around and is incredibly sexy because of it.

In real life, Taylor Kitsch is a 28 year-old Canadian model/nutritionist. Snooze. I’ll take Riggins and all his self-sabotaging behavior over the actor who plays him anytime.

I confess this because it’s a first.

I’ve never fallen for the bad boy.

My mom taught me well. Perhaps too well. I could have messed around at least a little with the bad boys. If for no other reason than to have strengthened my immune system as a growing girl.

Thinking back, I guess I did crush on one football player back in high school. He was big and strong and all muscle and pounded his opponents on the football and lacrosse fields. But then again, he was in my AP Art History class, he was a member of both the Physics and Latin clubs and he was one hell of a potter. Chris Scavone was no bad boy.

Damn you, Riggins!!

gretch

Evil Republicans

Kurt

Fall TV Lineup

I just did what I haven't done in years. Checked out the tv schedule ahead of the the season's start and wrote out a grid of what I'd like to see or TiVo, or watch carefully in the old way while TiVo records something else. This really only happens in the beginning. Eventually, the schedule smooths itself out and good shows are canceled and ones you thought you'd like turn out to be insufferable. It's a difficult but necessary time. But the uncertainty, the risk, is hard. What if that show you invest all that early time in (and really enjoy, no less,) turns out to be canceled? Then you're two whole episodes behind on the other stuff that didn't get canceled. It's like I imagine playing the ponies to be, sort of.

On a side note, I'm surprised at how many disaster-type health dramas are launching. Mercy, Trauma.... Seriously, Three Rivers? I mean, I spent time in Pittsburgh, so I'm all for the title, and as Gretchen points out, they are the first to really fit scrubs - in a way that makes it hard to imagine getting them over one's head. This one is all about transplants, though, as I understand it. Passionate, gorgeous medical professionals of a certain age range do the same thing each week. I don't doubt that there are people out there who'd want to tune in to this, I'm just not one of them. And on the commercial, when they pulled out the clip of the grieving mom asking the heart recipient if she could please hear her daughter's heartbeat one more time? That kind of sealed the deal.

On another side note, is anyone - I mean, ANYONE - going to watch five hours of prime time Jay Leno? Is the guy a workaholic? Go, Jay. Ride your motorcycles. For the love of Mike, nightly programming with NO interviews? Suicide.

All in all, I think I might be getting a lot of movies watched this season. Or maybe even turning off the tv more.

I'm just kidding.

Jenny

Six Pack at Three Rivers

The tagline for new CBS hospital drama Three Rivers is “You never know who’s going to save your life.” You may not know who this person is, but you can damn well bet the ranch that if you’re stuck in Three Rivers Hospital that that person is going to be smokin’ hot. If real doctors looked like this, do you think they would waste a second on thoughts of med school? Um, no.




For seriously, you guys, I didn’t even know they made slim-fitting scrubs. It seems cruel doesn’t it? I can’t wait to see what the hospital gowns look like.

gretch

Scud Stud

I was just wondering the other day how the 'scud stud' was doing.

He's like in his fifties now and living in Canada, where he is originally from. He wasn't even a freaking American! Next thing you're going to tell me that William Shatner is Canadian too.

So the scud stud is living in Canada and writing books and producing movies and tv stuff.

I am the first to say that we are way overdue for a SNL sketch about the scud stud.

You heard it here first.

Kurt

One and a half inches

I learned on Monday that I will be administering vitamin B12 shots to myself, on a weekly basis for 8 weeks, then monthly for who-knows-how-long. The needle is to be plunged into my thigh muscle (until I feel the resistance,) and is one and a half inches long. I've mostly only considered that to be a short distance. Not any more.

I stopped at Walgreen's pick-up window to get the needles, along with a couple of other things. I was told, after waiting for some time, that insurance wouldn't pay for the needles. Interesting, since they paid for the B12. But whatever, she said it would only be $21.99. I said fine, and asked for how many? She said ONE HUNDRED. That makes the cost per unit excellent, but I wasn't planning on doing this a hundred times, I'll tell you that. This was sobering. Then we learned that the box was so big it wouldn't fit in the slide out drawer at the drive-up window. So I had to park and go in after all, wondering the whole time what I'd do with all the leftover needles.

Delusional much?

Jenny

PS: I'm assured by the doctor that grown physicians have trouble with the injection procedure. Apparently we humans are not just not wired to plunge a needle into our bodies, we are wired to NOT plunge a needle in our bodies. Know what I mean? Hmf.

The New Thelma and Louise?

In the last ten years I've only had to make one automobile insurance claim. It was a minor accident, the other driver's fault and no one was hurt. Even still, I was incredibly worried. I figured I'd have to call my insurance a million times in order to get any kind of response. I was beyond surprised when the entire process was painless and smooth. USAA, my insurance carrier, was polite and helpful and efficient.

It's a good thing too. Because if they weren't the perfect partner I'd drop USAA in a heartbeat for Flo over at Progressive. I'm kind of in love with her.

I don't know what it is, I just love her. I feel happy when she's on my television. The store she works in looks like heaven, and it should, because she's an angel. She's always smiling, but you can tell she's no Pollyanna. There's an edge to her. I'd want Flo with me in a knife fight. Hell, I'd start a knife fight in that insurance store in the sky with the creepy boat guy just to see what would happen. That chick has got to have some moves. She's also a wicked kisser, can hold her liquor and her makeup is super cute.



Hey, Flo, call me.

gretch

The Geneva Movement

As I sat there in the movie theater last night, I noticed the whir of the projector. This sound took me back to the days when I was a apprentice movie projectionist.

Yes, you read that right.

I had to apprentice to run a movie projector. I had to do it for 80 hours.

To run a movie projector.

I had to apprentice for 80 hours so I could then take a test and then be LICENSED to run a movie projector.

Yes, you read that right.

Back in the days before Safety Film, movie film was nitrate based and was flammable and a projectionist needed to know stuff about preventing fires in movie theaters. Now that makes sense. You needed to know that you didn't want to throw water on that kind of film because the water would make the nitrates in the film turn into an acid, for example.

Of course, when safety film came in, it didn't burn. Part of my training was to watch Nitrate Film burn. And you know what... it burns and Safety Film doesn't.

Anyway, during my apprenticeship I kept asking what would be on the test. Chuck, the guy that taught me had no idea. Either he had forgotton what to study, or he had taken a union test which passed him as far as the State was concerned.

Anyway, I did my 80 hours, and then I went to a government office and took the test. Here's one of the questions that I got...

Explain the Geneva Movement and how it applies to a motion picture projector.

"What!?"

I never heard Chuck talk about that.

I also needed to know about "keystoning".

"What!?"

I never heard Chuck talk about that either.

I flunked.

I went to the college library in my small town and looked up this stuff and barely got the information that I needed.

Reason #43 growing up in a rural area can SUCK!!!

So I learned what the Geneva Movement was and I can tell you all about keystoning.

Chicks dig that.

Yes, you read that right.

Kurt

Summertime 101

Good Lord, People. I usually try to avoid the common blogging/status temptations of weather, my level of tiredness, or what day of the week it is. But seriously, it's HOT out there. Though I slept in a little (not enough, though) it was still morning when I opened the back door and thought I'd mistakenly (because I was so tired) opened the OVEN door, the waft of heat was so strong. The plants look defeated, the cats are very still, and I have to make cookies, despite the fact that I'm so very sleepy and hot.

And to top it all off, it's THURSDAY.

Yours in sleepy heat,

Jenny

I'd Do Anything For Love (But I Won't Do That)

I don’t know what Meatloaf wouldn’t do…but I know I wouldn’t wait in a line that wraps around a city block for a hot dog.



I'd wrestle and alligator though.

gretch

Sicko

Been down the last few days with a head cold. It makes me just want to eat and sleep. I was supposed to do a show tonight too, but I had to cancel.

I went to bed at 7pm last night, got up at 9pm. Went back to bed at 11:45pm, and got up at 8:30am ish. Later I took a nap at noon until 1:45pm.

I feel like putting the computer down right now and sleeping.

ZZZZ.

Kurt

It's That Time

Have you seen them? They are everywhere now. The 2010 calendars are here and on display almost everywhere you go. Oh, the possibilities.

The choice is obviously very important. It has to be perfect. The layout, the space for notes and appointments, it all has to fit in with your Plans. Literally. Because this choice will make or break your year.

Kitty cats or crossword puzzles? Only you can decide. Just try to identify that spark, that flutter in your chest when you know it's right. I've seen too many people put down The One, thinking they'll be back, and I'm here to tell you, it won't be there. I know it sounds like your entire '10 is riding on this choice. But that's only because it is.

Here's where I'm leaning:

But we're still in the early stages, and I haven't seen one of these with my own eyes. It's risky. If Staples has my '08 choice in a smaller format, then it might beat all other contenders. But will they have that? Probably not. They will have a hundred other options, but none of them exactly right.

I'd better get started.

Jenny

The Universe

Every once in a while I'll hear someone ask, "What do you think the universe wants you to do?"

And I can totally understand that "way" of thinking, but tonight, I think it needs to be said that sometimes you need to tell the universe, "To sit down and shut up."

Kurt

Overheard

Overheard as I was walking out of the an evening showing 500 Days Of Summer at the Arclight Hollywood last night...

Four cougars in matching skinny jeans, platform wedges and low-cut, sheer tunics exit the theater in front of me.

Cougar 1: "It was nice to see a guy get heart broken for once."*
Cougar 2: "Yeah, but did you notice how they still idealized the girl? She was perfect."
Cougar 3: "She wasn't perfect. She was quirky."



Meow,
gretch

*I'm not giving anything away that isn't in the first 3 minutes of the movie, not to worry.

Oh, the Anxiety

I realize I'm a bit of a Luddite. Or at least I lean in that direction. I'm all for modern conveniences, but really once on board, I don't care about the latest developments and apps, or the shiniest new version. I don't. Honestly, like packing the trunk and taking the garbage buckets to the curb, I see it as sort of a guy thing. For instance, I have a TiVo, sure. It's the first one I ever bought, I want to say 7 years ago or so, minimum. And I will keep it until it dies. I'm loyal that way, and lazy, and cheap, and concerned about my carbon footprint. And when it goes, I will try to find the exact same model, series 2, refurbished, or used, or whatever. Because that's how I roll.

So, imagine my consternation when I realized that my li'l workhorse of a flip phone Simply Wouldn't Do Any Longer. I would have been fine running it into the ground, honestly, except for the scourge knows as texting. Call me an old fuddy-duddy, but I resisted this. I don't understand how emails somehow became not fast enough, and calling to speak to someone became passe. I really thought it would fizzle, or rather, hoped I could just get by without it. Let the kids have it, I thought. Big whoop.

Alas, it seems to have caught on in a big way. There are people I know who now only communicate through texting, and I found that there was no way for me to even contemplate going there without a QWERTY keyboard instead of that stupid number pad. So, I bit the bullet and went to the Verizon store today, and lo, a scant $175 later, I have a fancy phone with a keyboard and many features I will never, ever, ever, ever use. I did eschew the touch screen one...it was more than I felt I could take on. I'm still getting used to wiping at a screen on the iPod, thankyouverymuch. Also seems like too much that could go wrong. I'm skeptical of just about all this newfangled technology.

Even the thought of opening up the guide and figuring it all out is a bit...more than I want to deal with, let's say. I'm just sort of waiting for it to ring and hoping I can figure things out from there. In good news, I am gathering up every piece of cell phone related e-crap in this house and depositing it at the Verizon store, where they will either refurbish and sell to use the proceeds to purchase phones for people in battered women shelters, or if it is too old for such a plan, dispose of safely in a way that respects the earth. I guess that's all I can ask for.

Applicable Self-Mocking Cartoon Link.

Yours,
Jenny

Howdy...uh...Neighbor!

While watching The Strangers (by far the scariest first 2/3rds of a movie I’ve seen in a looong time), I was reminded of how lucky I am to live in a crowded apartment building on a busy urban thoroughfare. If I’d been successful in living the American Dream, I would own a secluded home with lots and lots of land…and the likelihood of someone hearing my screams of terror - upon learning crazy masked figures had invaded my home in the dark of night - would be slim to none. But if the same scenario took place tonight, I’d like to think that one of my neighbors would come to my aid. I mean, if someone in the complex was screaming like Liv Tyler I’d, at the very least, turn down the volume on my television to see if the scream was repeated and then send Eric out to investigate. That's just being neighborly. But I realized that there would be some awkwardness when it came time to writing a Thank You note to my savior because I’d have to address it to one of the following:

Anthony Question Mark and Garbage Disposal
The New Guys
Cute Corner Lesbians
Holiday Decoration Guy
Prius and The School Teacher
The Other New Guys
Used To Be Carrie
I Hate Your Dogs (AKA Hot Australian Dude With Those Nasty Italian Greyhounds)
Victoria and Pickles
Loud Plasma
Creepy Porn Guy
Starts With An "A"
Laundry Guy
Brown Matte Finish Nissan
Broom Closet Photographer

I guess I could always just put the apartment number.

I have to wonder what they call me.

Probably “Walks Lightly” or “Always Holds the Door” or in the case of Creepy Porn Guy “The Chick Whose Hair I Collect Out Of The Dumpster.”

gretch

Mr. Hughes

Truly, it's all being said, and better than I could. My husband and I went to see Planes, Trains and Automobiles for our very first date. For the people in our age range, John Hughes helped define the world we lived in, and provided a large percentage of the dialog in our daily lives. Here are just a few examples, from just one of his movies:

"Oh, you just watch your language, Mr. Dirty Mouth."

"Fresh breath is a priority in my life."

"Chug-a-lug, Pooh-bear!"

"My clean close shave?"

"Donger's here for five hours, and he's got somebody. I live here my whole life, and I'm like a disease."

"Any halfway decent girl can rob me - blind! Because I'm too torked up to say no."

"Not many girls in contemporary American society today would give their underwear to help a geek like me."

"You know, I'm getting input here that I'm reading as relatively hostile."

"Why do you think you're a dork? I don't think you're a dork. I don't think Mom thinks you're a dork."

"Her monthly bill came early."

"Relax, would you? We have seventy dollars and a pair of girls underpants. We're safe as kittens."

And, the most satisfying ending, possibly in movie history:

Samantha: Thanks for getting my undies back.
Jake: Thanks for coming over.
Samantha: Thanks for coming to get me.
Jake: Happy Birthday, Samantha. Make a wish.
Samantha: It already came true.

Take a Hike

So there were hikers that were doing some recreational hiking in whatever one of those countries is that border Iran, and they wandered into Iran and now they are in prison on suspicion of being spies.

People, why are you hiking there in the first place? You can't go on a recreational hike at Yellowstone?

Maybe I am not extreme enough to hike near a warzone, but I think its crazy. Of course I hope that they are released soon and all is forgotten

But come on. It's a lot like walking next to a nuclear reactor without a lead suit. Don't ya think?

I'm sure this is what happened... "I've got a great idea... let's us fly to the middle east, one of those countries next to Iran... and go hiking!!!"

My reaction would have been...

"No."

How about Lego Land instead.

Kurt

Mr. Williams!

Mr. Williams! Mr. Williams!



Gretchen Enders, I’m with the Big Hollywood Blog.
It’s a small independent blog…but very well respected.
Mr. Williams -- can I call you Robin?



I’m going to take your silence as a “yes.”

Robin, I’m interested in your opinion of the new up-and-coming stand-up comedians currently making a big splash on the Hollywood scene. How do you think they would fare if they were, say, thrown back in time and had to perform under the rigorous conditions you and your contemporaries faced on a nightly basis. Before there were movie and television contracts, when you did it just for the pure love of comedy?



No comment? I understand.
Changing gears…what was Josh Charles like on the set of Dead Poet’s Society?
Robin?



Mr. Williams?



What’s with the silent treatment? It’s rude, not to mention childish and I don’t appreciate it in the slightest. Plus, those glasses look stupid on you. There, I said what everyone is thinking. And another thing—

Psst, Enders! That’s Bono, NOT Robin Williams.

Oh.

Uh.

Alrighty then.

Hmm, makes me think…I’ve never seen those two in the same room together.

Survey Says

The one thing I miss about myspace (remember myspace?) were all the surveys. I loved seeing what my funny friends came up with and liked taking time out of my busy (yawn) day to answer the questions myself. Facebook isn't as survey friendly, but my friend Ryan posted one yesterday and out of nostalgia I thought I'd throw it up here:



***********FOODOLOGY***************
What is your salad dressing of choice?
None, thanks.
What is your favorite sit-down restaurant?
I love sitting down at Marix.
What food could you eat every day for two weeks and not get sick of?
Pasta
What are your pizza toppings of choice?
Pepperoni, green peppers, onions
What do you like to put on your toast?
butter
***********TECHNOLOGY***************
How many televisions are in your house?
2
What color is your cellphone?
black
Do you have an iPod?
yes
***************BIOLOGY******************
Are you right-handed or left-handed?
right
Have you ever had anything removed from your body?
bad vision, wisdom teeth, more moles than I’d like to think about
What is the last heavy item you lifted?
My body out of bed this morning
Have you ever been knocked unconscious?
I can’t remember for sure, but I don’t think so
************BULLOLOGY**************
If it were possible, would you want to know the day you were going to die?
Eeee, no.
If you could change your name, what would you change it to?
Paola
Would you drink an entire bottle of hot sauce for $1000?
My love of money and my extreme food pickiness are fighting it out in my brain right now. **************FAVORITOLOGY****************
Season?
Autum
Holiday?
Halloween
Day of the week?
Saturday
Month?
December
***********CURRENTOLOGY*****************
Missing someone?
I’m always missing at least one person
Mood?
acutely frustrated
What are you listening to?
KCRW
Current worry?
Am I ever going to get out of here?
***************RANDOMOLOGY*****************
First place you went this morning?
on a walk with Kacey
What's the last movie you saw?
This is so embarrassing – He’s Just Not That Into You
***************OTHER-OLOGY*****************
How many pairs of flip flops do you own?
3
Last time you had a run-in with the cops?
I got pulled over in Hollywood for a broken tail light about 5 years ago
Last person you talked to?
Virginia the receptionist - she said I looked sexy. I blushed.
Last person you hugged?
Jeske
Do you always answer your phone?
nope
It's four in the morning and you get a text message, who is it?
Glazer
If you could change your eye color what would it be?
Green
What flavor do you add to your drink at Sonic?
I think the commercials are funny, but I have no idea where the nearest Sonic is.
Do you own a digital camera?
Yes
Have you ever had a pet fish?
Yes
Favorite Christmas song
Carol of the Bells
What's on your wish list for your birthday?
5 Stargazer lilies
Can you do push ups?
The girlie ones every morning
Can you do the splits?
Not even close
Does the future make you more nervous or excited?
Nervous, so effing nervous
Do you have any saved texts?
No
Have you ever been in a car accident?
Yes – totally my fault
Do you have an accent?
I come from the land of no accents – Colorado. I high proportion of news anchors are from Colorado because we have no discernable accent – of course that is a fact I may have made up. What is the last movie to make you cry?
This is so embarrassing – He’s Just Not That Into You
Plans tonight?
bang
Have you ever felt like you hit rock bottom?
Pretty close
Name 3 things you bought yesterday?
Gum and a red bull. That’s it.
Have you ever been given roses?
Yes
Met someone who changed your life?
But of course
How will you bring in the New Year?
With more of a whimper than a bang
What song represents you?
This morning it’s "I Dreamed of Yes" by The Dandy Warhols
Name two people who might complete this.
Not really asking anyone to, I just like talking about myself. You’re more than welcome to though.
Would you go back in time if you were given the chance?
Definitely
Have you ever dated someone longer than a year?
Yes
Do you have any tattoos/piercings?
Yes
Does anyone love you?
That has got to be the saddest question in the world. Sheesh.
Would you be a pirate?
Nah
What songs do you sing in the shower?
No, but I talk to myself a lot in there.
Ever had someone sing to you?
Yes
Do you like to cuddle?
If it’s not too hot out.
Have you held hands with anyone today?
No
Who was the last person you took a picture of?
The cast of Rock n’ Roll Lobster at bang
Are most of the friends in your life new or old?
Mostly old, but I have a new one and a new friendship is something special.
Do you like pulpy orange juice?
No.
What is something your friends make fun of you for?
Crying all the effin’ time.

Thanks for indulging me,
gretch

Mrs. O'Leary's BBQ

People, People. I've once again sabotaged myself. Today included plans to clean house, but also I needed a haircut and a pedicure. (No, really, I did!) Alas, I've done everything backwards.

I'm not sure if there's a person alive who could move herself to vacuum after getting a good pedicure, but I know she doesn't live here. So. Also, I'm itchy with the little hairs down my back. I should clean that bathroom, then shower, figure out my new hair and then take care of some other stuff I've forgotten about. But I just got a foot rub. I might need a wee nap first. Or a day or two in the hammock.

Just sayin',
Jenny

PS: The title of this post is the name of the O.P.I. nailpolish I chose. They were out of Life is a Cabernet.

Makes me sad

Recently I went to one of those shows where you can get autographs of celebrities. They sit at table after table and sign photos of themselves.

You walk up to the table, say hi, choose a photo, pay them for the photo and the autograph and then walk away.

It is kind of depressing to see these people that have appeared in movies and starred in TV shows like they are dogs at a pound waiting for someone to pay attention to them.

Don't get me wrong, there is nothing wrong with what they're doing and you have to have a career of a certain level before you are ever even at one of these shows, but as I walked around I felt bad seeing one of the last Munchkins sitting in a corner all by himself.

Did I buy some photos from some people that I felt bad for?

Yes.

Kurt

Show Business is a tough business.

When in Doubt....post a video

This is a real wild animal park, in England. This isn't the only car they've vandalized, and they've shown themselves to have an organized attack, wherein the biggest one jumps up and down on the car roof bin till the lock breaks, and then they have their way with the belongings inside, while the people (who presumably paid to get in this place) watch helplessly as their underthings are absconded with by a pack of wild apes.

It reminds me - uncomfortably - of the Simpson's trip to the Discount Lion Safari.

Odin Dva Tri Chetrye

One of my favorite things about morning walks with Kacey (besides getting to spend time with one of my besties and the shorthand we have when bitching about our shared workplace) is seeing the Russian men working out in Plummer Park. And in the summer time, they do it shirtless. Before you get too excited, I’m talking about men in their late 70’s, the size and shape of furry silver fire hydrants. Their age and dedication and stoicism have convinced me they’re all ex-KGB agents. The exercises involve long rubber bands and quick, tight repetitions with little conversation or smiling. I adore them.

Today was a little different.

Among the sea of white chest and back hair stood a woman in a lime-green pantsuit. She wore weightlifting gloves and big white-framed sunglasses. Her frosted blond hair pulled back in a perfect French twist. Agent Grotsky had his wife/goomah doing standing pull-ups on the monkey bars, and for the first time I saw him smile. I’m looking forward to all the “boys” bringing their partners for the daily workouts, and I hope they all dress like my new friend.



и повторение,

gretch

Tang

We left for the moon 40 years ago today, and we made it back.

I remember watching them walk on the moon. It was really hot, very late for a kid to be up, and I remember that my parents were unusually excited.

I'm glad my parents made a point of making sure I was in front of the TV. I was almost 7.

I remember being used to watching Saturn V rockets on TV and wondering how big one of those things were. There was no reference, but I figured that it was at least as tall as the church steeple across the street.

20 some years later I got to go to Mission Control and actually got to go in the room. I remember thinking about all of the history that has happened in this one room. I also remember how small the room is compared to what we see on TV.

TV adds 10 pounds and adds 300 square feet to a room. It's true, look it up.

I don't have anything quippy to end this, but I kid you not... I have Tang in my kitchen cupboard.
Kurt

Uch, it's HOT

Yeah, I know. I live in the desert. And I know heat is hot. But truly, I wilt like a violet in this heat and I've already had enough of it, and it's only just begun. I'm reminded that the heat isn't why we choose to live here. It's the gorgeous mild weather the whole rest of the year. Which I get. And cling to. Especially when the weather forecast looks like this:


For ALL the coming days. I'm not sure why I'm so opposed to sweating. But I know why I'm opposed to ridiculous LADWP bills, and between the water and the AC power, each passing day hurts.

Plus, it's flipping HOT. The steering wheel burns. I have a quilting to do, and it's nigh on impossible in this HEAT.

Uch,

Jenny

What’s the Score?

As a kid I was obsessed with movies and as soon as the original soundtrack score of whatever I just saw was released, I had the cassette tape in my hot little hand. The instrumental music was a way for me to relive the movies I loved so much, in the days when it took over a year to release a title on video, and it would cost more than a hundred bucks (for a VHS tape!) to purchase my own copy.

I wasn’t alone. One night in high school I had some friends over and we realized Justin had disappeared. I found him laying on my waterbed in the dark listening to the Glory soundtrack. And I totally got it. I backed out of the room quietly and shut the door.

Somewhere down the line I stopped buying movie scores. Maybe CDs were more expensive, or the turnaround onto DVD was quicker, or my obsession with movies waned somewhat. Whatever the reason, the instrumental score of my favorite movies just didn’t interest me anymore.

That was until Moon.

Sweet baby G. Do yourselves a favor and download this score immediately. Go see the movie and THEN download the score immediately. It’ll blow your mind. For reals.



http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BtCpttsZiys

I’m going to listen to the opening track seven times on my way home,
gretch

Just say Know

So the California budget has got a lot of problems to say the least.

It is time for our representatives in Sacramento to say no.

We're buying sweaters for cows? We're buying gold covered toilets? Of course we're not, but we MIGHT AS WELL MAY BE!

Seriously, let's put a little money aside and maybe in two years we can buy that sweater for that cow. or buy that gilt covered toilet.

Please say no, and as the saying goes, you'll be saying yes to everything else.

The more you know...

Kurt

Living Strong

At the age of about 13, I was involved in a bike accident. I bumped into a curb while looking behind me, and was saved from going headfirst over the handlebars and into a tree by the handlebars themselves. Somehow, my thigh was wedged between the handle and the brake, which broke my forward momentum, and I'm pretty sure saved my life. Then, because no one this stupid should get off scot-free, the brake part punctured a wee hole in my thigh. It was way disgusting, but fair, I thought. In return I haven't been on a bike in ages. I tried once, and discovered to my shame that you really can forget how to ride a bike. I promptly fell over sideways and that was, as they say, that.

Lance Armstrong is racing in the Tour de France, at the age of 37. And yes, I'm ashamed of myself.

Jenny

Family Values

What in the hell is going on over at ABC Family?


"Meet Ruby. Her family just died." Gah, ABC Family, dark much? Too sad.
Of course, I just misread it. The tag line is really "Meet Ruby. Her family just did." But the damage has already been done.



Way to strike with the iron is hot, ABC Family.




Nothing says "family programming" like binge drinking, cheating and revenge sex. I saw the pilot. That's really what it's about.

Of course, I would kill to write on any of these shows, ABC Family. Call me.

gretch

Multi-Tasking

Watching parents carry all of this stuff for a baby got me to thinking. I'm watching them carry the car seat, a stroller, etc. You get the point.

I'm sure you can see where I'm going to take this... but when I was a kid my Mom carried me around in a basket. The basket can also hold apples, bread, or a lamp perhaps. I don't know if you'd want to be seen carrying a lamp around in a car safety seat.

At Thanksgiving you don't see a basket of rolls in the middle of the table in a baby carrier although if my Mother had a baby carrier she would use it for rolls at like a picnic.

Anyway, although I never slept in a drawer I wouldn't have minded. The drawer can hold a baby... or clothes!

Multi-Tasking

Kurt

I'm totally a redneck

If Jeff Foxworthy can do it, so can I…

If you’ve ever searched ebay for the Nina Toten-bag, a discontinued NPR membership premium…you might be a redneck.



If you’re constantly telling your boyfriend bits from Wait, Wait Don’t Tell Me or the Planet Money podcast…you might be a redneck.

If you’ve spent any time whatsoever working on your Arianna Huffington impression…you might be a redneck.

If Ira Glass makes you weak in the knees…you might be a redneck.

Hey, Blue Collar Comedy Tour, I’m packed and ready to go. Just call me.

gretch

Bee Real

I'm not sure if I want people to stop me or to egg me on. But it came to me yesterday that my yard is perfect for urban beekeeping. I know. What on earth would I want with a thousand bees in my yard? But I find it romantic and exciting to think that I could, simply by making a comfortable home available, coax a bunch of bees into doing that thing they do, which lets face it, is freaking magic.

In fact, that's pretty much my raison d'etre - to make my home, my friendship, my love inviting enough to induce reciprocity. Bees seem like a pretty safe risk, as this sort of thing goes.

Plus, they're FUZZY.

Jenny

RIP

I never had this poster, or t-shirt. I never watched Charlie's Angels, but I did watch her on The Six Million Dollar Man when she piloted a Command Module safely back to earth.

But you couldn't help but know who she was back in the '70s.

Just like with Farrah, I never had a copy of Thriller, or Bad, or anything else Michael Jackson did but I certainly knew who he was.

But I liked him too.

I don't have anything zippy to wrap this up into one neat little bow sorry to say.

RIP

Kurt